Your Energy is Precious — Use it Wisely
We are all made of energy. We are not just organs. Our bodies are mini universes filled with protons, neurons, quarks and gluons and all the energy that is created from these particles interacting.
I imagine that inside my body are all these buzzy energy particles bouncing off my organs and inside my cells. I fancy that sometimes I have even felt my own energy during a powerful meditation or a particularly intense acupuncture session.
As humans, we expend energy all the time in physical ways. We run, we walk, we do yoga, we play sports. But there are ways other than physically to get rid of our energy. Sometimes these are healthy and beautiful exchanges of energy. Lots of times we just give it away in the name of love or because we are nurturing.
When I was a new mom, I spent all my energy time on my little family. I planned our weekends with fun events, mapped out our menu for the week, organized family photoshoots, plotted out our summer vacations. My family was my world and it was lit up and beautiful. One year for my son’s birthday I even set up an art-themed party with these elaborate different art stations. I dyed pasta the color of rainbows, purchased art supplies for a gaggle of kids, made the cake, created the dreaded party favor giveaways. My son was elated, I was exhausted but happy.
As fertility and communication issues started eroding my precious family, my energy turned to my career. I could hide from my sadness in my job and I got that validation I could not get at home anymore. While my world was crumbling at home and my heart was breaking, I was meticulously planning my wardrobe for work and getting promotions. My work was now my crowning success. My co-workers were my social life.
When the despair of divorce finally found me, I submerged myself in the black waters of depression. I had no energy to give to anything. I gave the only crumbs I could muster to my son. My buzzy energy particles were dimmed. It was here that I needed the energy and love of others. After attempting and failing miserably at trying to heal all by myself, my tribe saved me. My friends and family gave me their energy and love in the form of hugs, books, long talks, a referral to a therapist, tequila and more talks.
When I finally emerged from my despair, in the form of a still partially singed phoenix, I began to realize I never gave my energy to myself. I had failed that crucial action item of taking a hit off the oxygen mask first before giving it to others. Sometimes I would give my big buzzy energetic love away and I would get some back. But mostly I got nothing. Like most women, we are conditioned to believe that unconditional love is our burden to bear. That is just what we do. And that anytime we feel sadness or anger at getting nothing back we are bad. We should just give because we love giving and the purpose is not to receive. While that is noble and all, I will be honest, it made me angry. This anger was always something that embarrassed me, and I would try to suppress. As with all suppressed emotional energy, it could not stay buried forever and it would surface like an explosion. Like many people, I had not learned how to state my needs and stand in my power because I was not taught that I had that power. I was just supposed to give and give my energy away as if I was hooked up to a permanent recharging station.
As I healed after my divorce, I began to explore more the idea of how to give some energy to myself. I started getting massages and acupuncture monthly. I began journaling, hiking more, meditating nightly, I read voraciously books about personal growth. But the biggest change I made was to spend more time with myself. I realized that spending time with myself helped keep my inner light burning a little brighter.
So, imagine my surprise when I was privy to a conversation about self-love and heard that self care and taking time for yourself is good and all, but is not the fullest manifestation of loving yourself. It was deeper than that. I am not going to lie; this was some sphinx like riddle. I mean if I am taking time out of my busy life to just focus on myself how is that not the epitome of self-love?
As with all great riddles, it was not one I solved by endlessly thinking about it in my own head. It revealed itself on a recent trip with my friend Sara over Christmas. We had both, along with the collective world, had a rough year. After quarantining and getting multiple Covid tests, we were able to share an Airbnb. It was also my first Christmas away from my 9-year-old son. We both needed each other’s energy, the advertised hot tub and copious amount of wine. Unfortunately, upon almost arrival we were informed that the hot tub was not working because of electrical issues. So, we focused on what we had — lots of wine. We drank that wine and did what most people do, we just talked and talked. My jaw hurt, my heart was full, and I slept like a baby most nights, admittedly like a baby with a hangover. I had forgotten the cathartic effect of just pouring out your heart to someone who in return pours out their heart. But one conversation sat with me.
Me: (sheepishly admitting) I texted and wished Merry Christmas to Joe, Frank and Thomas (all made up names to protect the not very innocent ex-lovers who have become “friends”).
Sara: (in a somewhat agitated state, because wine, duh and because she is a self-professed pit bull friend) Why? They don’t deserve your energy.
Me: (feeling somewhat defensive) Because I am nice.
Sara: (hitting her argument stride) If you didn’t text them would they have reached out to you? Would they have wished you Merry Christmas?
Me: (crickets chirping) I don’t know.
Sara: (slam dunk) Next time, don’t text them. If you feel like wishing them something text me instead. If they care about you. They will reach out to you. You give away love so freely. You need to save some of your amazing energy for yourself and for people who will give it back to you.
The next morning, I woke up and I just knew. I knew I had solved that riddle thanks to my friend. The buzzy unseen energy particles inside of me are precious. They could help illuminate someone’s soul with the right words just as Sara had done for me. They can create a beautiful world of love for my son. But what they are never going to do again is to help validate someone’s ego who is only a ghost presence in my life.
The next layer of self-love is to take all that energy we as humans devote to people and things that do not reciprocate our energy and who cannot or will not fill us up with love. Take all that big energetic love and give it to yourself and to people that love you. Stop texting and keeping in touch with people who take and give you nothing in return, instead use that time learn that language you have always wanted to speak. Tired of suppressing your anger at not getting your love tank filled up? Learn how to tell your truth from a place of love and vulnerability. Investing time in shallow relationships is more about instant gratification and validation, it is not loving yourself. It’s an instant high that serves no purpose. When you show yourself true love, you are letting the universe know that you hold yourself highly and that you will not settle for anything less than someone or thing that enhances your life.
This is what it means to truly love yourself. It’s about believing you are worth a damn and that you will only accept people or situations in your life that take that beautiful energy inside of you and make you light up and glow.
Wondering about the people and situations in your life? Ask yourself these questions.
1. How do these people or situations make me physically feel?
2. Are these people matching your communication frequency?
3. What are you gaining from these relationships?
4. Are you really doing this because you love someone or because you have just been conditioned to love and not expect reciprocity? Think back to family dynamics.
5. Would someone who loved themselves allow this person or situation into their life?
